braids & ministry

O.k. so it's 11:30 p.m. and I'm between "should've been in bed at 10p.m. and squeezing in a blog before 12 a.m."

How 'bout my braids have been slipping out my head one by one..grrrrrr..what is that?? I've been singing the shop's praises & gleefully giving the # out & now 3 pieces of hair stare up at me(not really, but that sounded like a good poetic filler). But seriously, the stuff is coming out. Either I will take to the arduous task of rebraiding them myself(which I dislike, cause didn't I just come out of my pocket for someone else to do that?) or I will CUT IT ALL OFF! YEAH! I waited for months to get these. Submitted to grueling hours on end in that chair and loud-repeat-every-song-on-the-hour-Power 99fm, cause I knew the end result would be worth it. And it was. But now I see that underneath the shiny braided first layer of human hair is frizz & mess. Hmm, that reminds me of something. US..Humans.

Doesn't God chisel behind the shiny? He digs right through the pretty package to the catastrophes inside that we hide. An undisciplined mind. A doubt-ridden heart. A wayward tongue. A self-depricating attitude.Covetousness, envy, bitterness, resentment, pride, conceit, selfishness. Whew when He lifts up the lid, when He goes behind the walls, when He takes off the covers...WE STINK!! And He's got to go to work on us..It's b/c of His amazing and persistent love that tends to us. He's the master constructor..the master builder..thank God He will not leave us like we are. PRAISE THE NAME OF THE LORD!!

So today I got a phone call from an old friend. I did not know that God was gonna use me to minister. To be honest, I didn't feel like talking & I wanted to return back to my nap. But something in this woman's voice was urgent. Oh there was small talk and pleasantries..but I heard a strain, a wail, a cry for help behind her voice. It was different than from before. Something about it told me she was at a breaking point. I knew I had to stay on that phone. So she proceeded to unravel & it was pretty bad. I just thought to myself, "who am I Lord?!"to tell anybody anything!" But it's God, not me!! This woman was drowning and dying inside. I just listened to her and you know how you can get mad b/c you see their chains and you just want them to be free and this is like the 30 millioneth time they've called you with this problem? just being real..I wanted her free! Just at that point I could understand my mom's frustration w/me when I kept banging my head into the same wall. Kept going back for more hurt. Kept choosing to be enslaved. Kept hurting myself. I spoke to her with the conviction of the Holy Spirit..in love, but firm. I gave her examples of what I went through that mirrored her situation and how I am a miracle b/c Jesus saved me out of those death walks. At some point I knew I could talk 'til I was blue in the face but God's Spirit of truth had to convey truth to her. Has to open her eyes and take the blinders off. I'm NOONE's saviour and I had to give her into the arms of Christ. I had to entrust her to Him. It wasn't easy...but I had to let her go and let God. Let God minister His truth to her. Let God do spiritual surgery on her. Let God draw His daughter back to Him. Let Him work on her, let Him heal her, let Him free her. Only Jesus can do it. She has let this man take over her life and God wants His child back! God SHALL have no other gods before Him. I'm a witness that He'll intensify His efforts to reconcile us back to Him. I ended the conversation w/reading a scripture and praying for her. Then, with God's help I had to release and let her into God's bosom. Will still pray for her..will still hold her up and minister when God gives it to me to do.(ok it's 2 minutes till tomorrow).

Father God, have mercy on my friend. Lead her back to a saving knowledge of you. Save her and pour truth and light upon her. Take out the junk and fill her up with your Spirit. I bind the enemy from taking over her mind, in the name of Jesus. Whisper to her, call to her soul, call her by name this night and do what you must to bring her back, in the name of Jesus..for her gold and for your glory..amen.

much love,

Jaz

p.s. I think I decided to keep in my braids..they still kinda look good.(this is not denial). :-)

gnite

THANK YOU

Good morning..3:00 a.m. that is and the Lord has brought me into another day. Yeah I'm happy that's it's 3 am and I don't have to worry 'bout squeezing in 2 hrs of sleep before going to make the donuts. 3 am and guilt doesn't have to wear me b/c of blogging @3 am, when should be getting some shuteye. A guilt-free 3 am!! WAHOO!!
So yesterday began w/a Christian sista/poetess friend of mines praying for me(at 2 am after a rad "Jus Words")in regards to the "super" situation @work(see previous blog entry). (hey, it's really hard to blog and watch the stories @the same time..lol). In the midst of praying, I realized I was frightened of losing my employment, i.e. getting fired. God was showing me that I was making this thing out to be bigger than Him. I was giving it too much power. Giving her, my super, too much power. I needed to entrust this to Him. It was hard to do. We can say we trust, but when it comes down to it, will we? Trust is an action. Let it go. I wasn't doing a good job of that, but that was all a part of my process also. So we prayed. And I cried(tears heavy also w/other stresses in my life). And was encouraged by my friend. Thank you.
Going into work felt like chickens walking to the butcher knife(guessing this is the only time I would know how a chicken felt). I was praying for myself (a little bit),but I still felt my tightness. Heck, I didn't know what to expect. And I don't like that. And just by the mere nature of that, brings some nervousness. And I'm human. If it was gonna happen, I wanted it to happen-now. Don't make me wait for bad news. Just tell me.(control?). Well it wasn't gonna be my way...I had to wait on God. period. (thank you for just showing me that Lord. Holy Spirit still revealing stuff to me, even as I'm writing this blog). I remember at some point, God just calming my semi-wildly beating heart and speaking peace to me. I remember my breathing slowing down. I remember the angst fading away. I remember His touch.
Some other small signs to me that I was giving her control, was that I detoured from some things. I didn't bother to pick out my cute outfit for work. I needed something "bummy" to match my bummy attitude. I also didn't get any breakfast(and I was really hungry)(somehow subconciously punishing myself). I wore the "I'm not playing with you" face for most of the morning. I wanted her to see that face. Man, look at the hoops I was jumping thorough for one person! Do you see how I let this one person altar so many things in my day?? "THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE, LET US REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT". Well, I was not doing that. And guess what? She was going about her day. Laughing and joking and being free of anybody's control. Wow. So many lessons are in this.
I did however notice some things. She was snub today. I don't know if it was just towards a few people(my girlfriend noticed it also) or just towards me. There was no good morning or hi when passing each other in the hallway and you know how when you can feel static from someone? I mean it's in the air..their energy. Plus when there was a staff meeting this morning, she sat right next to me and that static feeling rose to dizzying levels. No eye contact. Still no "good morning". Okay. So what I had to do was resist the urge to "people please" and placate her. That wasn't easy for me. Who wants someone to be mad with them? I don't. And I don't think I'm a punk for admitting this. Listen, I gotta be real. She could've opened her mouth and said good morning(which she always does and was exchanging pleasantries with others)just as I could've. I hoped she saw it. Saw that I wasn't gonna jump and "stroke" her. That was an important victory for me. I made a cognitive decision to change my behaivor. I know after reading this paragraph you might wonder If I'm still making it all about her. No. I had to access me. And thank the Lord, He showed me, me.
Around 2pm I began to accept and relax with the fact that the talk wasn't gonna happen. Lord, I know it probably wasn't even about that "talk". It was about me seeing me and the ways in which I still need to grow. How I need to trust(action)You. How I need to not give anyone that much power over me.
I must admit I was relieved when I saw that she left early for the day. Then I quietly wondered if she didn't approach me today b/c the other super wasn't at work. See..satan still working. But God ultimately gave me serenity. Thank you Jesus.

Simultaneously there was another stresser going on. And that one was huge and was serious. But God worked that out also. If my friend is reading this...I say THANK YOU. Thank you for your kind words. For your encouragement("Encourage one another daily.."). For you believing in me and giving it to me straight, no chaser...which is what you do and what I needed. Thank you.

Lord, I love you. Thank you for already knowing what I have need of. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for showing me, me. Thank you for loving me inspite of me. Thank you for YOU.

"PEACE BE STILL"

Jaz

work

I feel this imminent danger pending..my heart is beating. See these past 2 days stuff jumped off at work and I'm afraid at how it will turn out-for me. As I've said before, I always pray that God will be with my mouth at the job. That He will teach me what, when and how to speak and when not to speak. I don't wanna tiptoe around anybody in fear, nor walk on eggshells for them. That includes super. Let's just say super flipped out again on me(again it was about her need to control) and this time she got another super in on it..well, it was really the other sup got my sup involved & it was totally unneccesary. Egos and power trips. I know God will allow offenses at times...but I know the enemy is never far behind. Anything to turn me from God, when pain should be propelling me into the face of my Lord. That goes against flesh..against human nature. It takes God to even give me the desire to turn to Him, when I'm in pain...especially if I view God as the one dishing out the hurt.

I'm angry. Angry that I can't speak up when I want to and say what I want to and handle it the way I want to. I, I, I. MY way. waahh, waaah,waah. Is this how I sound to you Lord? I sometime envy the people that can just fire off w/a snappy response & get that person or whatever off their back. Some folk drop bombs w/the words and don't care where it lands..and if you in the way, watch out!

I know how peeps @the job view me. As a quiet, weak wimp. The quiet ones always catch it. Funny thing is, in alot of ways and because of God's purposes, it has made me stronger and more keener/discerning of people's motives. I can see it a mile away now. The Father has straightened out my backbone and made it strong. Quiet strength....that's what I've been told I have. Still gotta remember that it's ultimately the spirit in them that can't stand the Spirit living in me. "We wrestle not against flesh and blood". I know, it's hard to see this..especially when it's flesh & blood right in your face-blasting and pouring on the damage. The enemy wants to keep my eyes off of Jesus and onto anything or anyone other than Him. He wants me angry at God so I can stop fellowshipping & turn away from Jesus...leaving me wide open for the enemy's sharpened claws. God, please help me always see the enemy. Jesus I know you're sharpening me and pruning me and digging and excavating and molding me. I know you will use everything for Your higher purposes. A sista just gets weary sometime. And now it seems that on friday(when super comes back from vaca) there'll be heck to pay. ummm, am I allowing a spirit of fear to overtake me?

Today I just spoke up. Said super had went too far. Yesterday I said nothing & I believe the Lord had it like that. But today I responded. But I responded in anger(even given my few seconds wait to calm down)...and the Word says to "Be angry and sin not". My response was through email and I choose my words carefully & professionally, but I know super didn't like it and is probably saying to herself "who does she think she is!?" I have a right to speak up and they're not used to me doing that. But God was it you or did I just take matters into my own hands? I guess we'll see on friday. Pray for me.

peace & blessing :-)

sun and rain.

Jesus makes the difference

can I just say that I am filled up. I am overwhelmed. I am drowned in God's sea of love. He is so beautiful. So all encompassing. Such a consuming fire. I don't know you Lord, 'cept what you reveal to me. But you won't be pidgeon-holed. won't be put in a box. What you do for me and inside me today is your MERCY AND GRACE AND LOVE AND FIRE AND POWER...............

God had divinely prepared me since before I was born for this day. Even though past & present pain, he prepared me. He tended to the soil of my heart. He went before me. He interceded for me. He dug in me & wouldn't leave me alone, for that's what a Father does(confirmed by this morning's message). He wrapped other members of my family up in His arms. He lathered us with His balm while in His bosom. God the Father tended to His baby girl's broken heart so she could connect w/her father today. O the joy that floods my soul! I smell new beginnings. I felt shallow ground being broken up. I-the clay in the Potter's hands. Nothing about this day even showed itself minutely possible 5,4,3..even 2 years ago. But God knew then and He knows now. His purposes prevailed, not my agenda. His plans,not mines. Oh so many times I've said "God leave me alone on this one, it's too painful". But He wouldn't. He couldn't. His magnanimous love for His children won't let Him leave us alone. Because He sees the finish product I am..it's already written out in glory and I just have to walk it out here.

There was geniune hugs. geniune love. an aching. some pain. But nevertheless God had every heart in His hand.

Daddy, thank you for preparing me for this day. Thank you for preparing him. For preparing all of us. Let me commit to continuing the work I started years ago,but dropped b/c of too much salt. Father, thy will. THY WILL. Oh let me bow to THY WILL...no matter what.

As my siblings agreed amongst ourselves that this day was a miracle, the oldest whispered" It's Jesus that made the difference".

Thank you Abba Father.

I love you.

geesh!

ok yet again for the 2nd time in a span of a few years..my apartment is water-logged!! I'm frustrated. twice? to the same person? what is that?? my cat is tip-toeing around, careful not to get her paws wet as I am doing the same..
Even in the midst I have something to praise God for..b/c I had planned a trip to Atlanta this weekend..& although I'm still missin' it..I know that if I had of been there..I couldn't be here..dealing w/this & getting some resolution on it. I would've came back to such a mess...so truly all things work out.
So I see my flaws in this..there are many. Procrastination...I noticed wet spots in my closet about 1.5 weeks ago & decided not to deal w/it...was kinda in denial that this could be happening again. Andddd the Lord's been dealing w/me(yet again) with keeping a clean place. I usually do a mass cleaning but now I'm learning to break it down and spot-clean every few somethings. So everytime I opened that junky closet, there was a little something in my stomach, a little voice in my ear..in my spirit.."you need to get to that". Clutter manifests from the inside out. Somethings going on in me and that's why mess outside adds up. Oh I know u think one has nothing to do w/the other or that it just sounds crazy..but not so. and right now I gotsa run 2 do my errands, but I will come back & explain it when I get a few couple free moments.
quote of the day:
CLUTTER MANIFESTS FROM THE INSIDE OUT.
love and peace

hey hey hey!

heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! whazzup blog?! I know..I gotsa whuppin' comin to me 4 neglectin' u for 'bout 2 mths now...but in my defense, I did say I would hit up 'bout every month..then what, you say, happened to May? welll..computer problems of course..nah seriously the computer was sick for 'bout a mth and she just got back in good condition(I still need that fan belt replaced)....but oh well..God blessed and a good friend of mines' son, who just got out of computer school(thumbs up!), fixed it w/no charges. What a blessing! thing still sounds like it needs a muffler...lol..but it's all good.
I'm just coming off a high of reading and vibing w/different blogs..just "meeting" people through their words..the internet is amazing...and can be a problem, if I don't apply some discipline and balance(haven't we discussed this already?!)...of couse my lids are heavy and it's 1 a.m.(umm potential poem?..don't bite).......
So I gotta make this short...cause If I start to speak on all of the wonderful things the Lord has done for me and all of the lessons-painful lessons I've been learning...I will be here all night. aiight boo? so I promise, more than once a mth shall I grace your pretty pages. guess what???
it's still
the sun and rain of it all
peace