THANK YOU

Good morning..3:00 a.m. that is and the Lord has brought me into another day. Yeah I'm happy that's it's 3 am and I don't have to worry 'bout squeezing in 2 hrs of sleep before going to make the donuts. 3 am and guilt doesn't have to wear me b/c of blogging @3 am, when should be getting some shuteye. A guilt-free 3 am!! WAHOO!!
So yesterday began w/a Christian sista/poetess friend of mines praying for me(at 2 am after a rad "Jus Words")in regards to the "super" situation @work(see previous blog entry). (hey, it's really hard to blog and watch the stories @the same time..lol). In the midst of praying, I realized I was frightened of losing my employment, i.e. getting fired. God was showing me that I was making this thing out to be bigger than Him. I was giving it too much power. Giving her, my super, too much power. I needed to entrust this to Him. It was hard to do. We can say we trust, but when it comes down to it, will we? Trust is an action. Let it go. I wasn't doing a good job of that, but that was all a part of my process also. So we prayed. And I cried(tears heavy also w/other stresses in my life). And was encouraged by my friend. Thank you.
Going into work felt like chickens walking to the butcher knife(guessing this is the only time I would know how a chicken felt). I was praying for myself (a little bit),but I still felt my tightness. Heck, I didn't know what to expect. And I don't like that. And just by the mere nature of that, brings some nervousness. And I'm human. If it was gonna happen, I wanted it to happen-now. Don't make me wait for bad news. Just tell me.(control?). Well it wasn't gonna be my way...I had to wait on God. period. (thank you for just showing me that Lord. Holy Spirit still revealing stuff to me, even as I'm writing this blog). I remember at some point, God just calming my semi-wildly beating heart and speaking peace to me. I remember my breathing slowing down. I remember the angst fading away. I remember His touch.
Some other small signs to me that I was giving her control, was that I detoured from some things. I didn't bother to pick out my cute outfit for work. I needed something "bummy" to match my bummy attitude. I also didn't get any breakfast(and I was really hungry)(somehow subconciously punishing myself). I wore the "I'm not playing with you" face for most of the morning. I wanted her to see that face. Man, look at the hoops I was jumping thorough for one person! Do you see how I let this one person altar so many things in my day?? "THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE, LET US REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT". Well, I was not doing that. And guess what? She was going about her day. Laughing and joking and being free of anybody's control. Wow. So many lessons are in this.
I did however notice some things. She was snub today. I don't know if it was just towards a few people(my girlfriend noticed it also) or just towards me. There was no good morning or hi when passing each other in the hallway and you know how when you can feel static from someone? I mean it's in the air..their energy. Plus when there was a staff meeting this morning, she sat right next to me and that static feeling rose to dizzying levels. No eye contact. Still no "good morning". Okay. So what I had to do was resist the urge to "people please" and placate her. That wasn't easy for me. Who wants someone to be mad with them? I don't. And I don't think I'm a punk for admitting this. Listen, I gotta be real. She could've opened her mouth and said good morning(which she always does and was exchanging pleasantries with others)just as I could've. I hoped she saw it. Saw that I wasn't gonna jump and "stroke" her. That was an important victory for me. I made a cognitive decision to change my behaivor. I know after reading this paragraph you might wonder If I'm still making it all about her. No. I had to access me. And thank the Lord, He showed me, me.
Around 2pm I began to accept and relax with the fact that the talk wasn't gonna happen. Lord, I know it probably wasn't even about that "talk". It was about me seeing me and the ways in which I still need to grow. How I need to trust(action)You. How I need to not give anyone that much power over me.
I must admit I was relieved when I saw that she left early for the day. Then I quietly wondered if she didn't approach me today b/c the other super wasn't at work. See..satan still working. But God ultimately gave me serenity. Thank you Jesus.

Simultaneously there was another stresser going on. And that one was huge and was serious. But God worked that out also. If my friend is reading this...I say THANK YOU. Thank you for your kind words. For your encouragement("Encourage one another daily.."). For you believing in me and giving it to me straight, no chaser...which is what you do and what I needed. Thank you.

Lord, I love you. Thank you for already knowing what I have need of. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for showing me, me. Thank you for loving me inspite of me. Thank you for YOU.

"PEACE BE STILL"

Jaz