work

I feel this imminent danger pending..my heart is beating. See these past 2 days stuff jumped off at work and I'm afraid at how it will turn out-for me. As I've said before, I always pray that God will be with my mouth at the job. That He will teach me what, when and how to speak and when not to speak. I don't wanna tiptoe around anybody in fear, nor walk on eggshells for them. That includes super. Let's just say super flipped out again on me(again it was about her need to control) and this time she got another super in on it..well, it was really the other sup got my sup involved & it was totally unneccesary. Egos and power trips. I know God will allow offenses at times...but I know the enemy is never far behind. Anything to turn me from God, when pain should be propelling me into the face of my Lord. That goes against flesh..against human nature. It takes God to even give me the desire to turn to Him, when I'm in pain...especially if I view God as the one dishing out the hurt.

I'm angry. Angry that I can't speak up when I want to and say what I want to and handle it the way I want to. I, I, I. MY way. waahh, waaah,waah. Is this how I sound to you Lord? I sometime envy the people that can just fire off w/a snappy response & get that person or whatever off their back. Some folk drop bombs w/the words and don't care where it lands..and if you in the way, watch out!

I know how peeps @the job view me. As a quiet, weak wimp. The quiet ones always catch it. Funny thing is, in alot of ways and because of God's purposes, it has made me stronger and more keener/discerning of people's motives. I can see it a mile away now. The Father has straightened out my backbone and made it strong. Quiet strength....that's what I've been told I have. Still gotta remember that it's ultimately the spirit in them that can't stand the Spirit living in me. "We wrestle not against flesh and blood". I know, it's hard to see this..especially when it's flesh & blood right in your face-blasting and pouring on the damage. The enemy wants to keep my eyes off of Jesus and onto anything or anyone other than Him. He wants me angry at God so I can stop fellowshipping & turn away from Jesus...leaving me wide open for the enemy's sharpened claws. God, please help me always see the enemy. Jesus I know you're sharpening me and pruning me and digging and excavating and molding me. I know you will use everything for Your higher purposes. A sista just gets weary sometime. And now it seems that on friday(when super comes back from vaca) there'll be heck to pay. ummm, am I allowing a spirit of fear to overtake me?

Today I just spoke up. Said super had went too far. Yesterday I said nothing & I believe the Lord had it like that. But today I responded. But I responded in anger(even given my few seconds wait to calm down)...and the Word says to "Be angry and sin not". My response was through email and I choose my words carefully & professionally, but I know super didn't like it and is probably saying to herself "who does she think she is!?" I have a right to speak up and they're not used to me doing that. But God was it you or did I just take matters into my own hands? I guess we'll see on friday. Pray for me.

peace & blessing :-)

sun and rain.