I will share my heart...

Over the past few days, my head and heart are still suspended in the clouds and upper horizons. I hear myself say things like “I just don’t believe this” and “this is unbelievable”

I’m referring to my recent win of 2nd place in a worldwide poetry contest

me?

me Lord?

Yes, YOU daughter

My friend heard me say the “unbelievable” statement over the phone and she stopped and said “yes it IS believable” “why are you saying it’s not?”

‘Cause I’m sooo used to this. I’m so used to dreaming and wishing, aching, wanting & praying (which I haven’t always done) for fruition, but there always being a deeper part of me not believing my dreams can actually come true. I mean most folk know & have heard me say for years that I want to record & put out a poetry book & act on Broadway & dance and travel the world. That’s just it. I’ve said it over and over and over and over and over for y-e-a-r-s. Sometimes folk think you’re just talking. Sometimes you begin to think you’re just talking. There’s that “dreamer” Jaz again. And b/c of all the bumps, scars, scrapes, gashes, bruises in my long journey, I have come to expect on some level that those deep, wild, bold, rich & full of life dreams that only God sees will go on…deferred. Now of course, the devil works on that…expounds & introduces more lies…and I eat them…at times.

Some of my dreams have seen the light of day. It comes in drips & drabs and in between those long stretches of time in which I’m fighting. Fighting to believe in me. Crawling, walking, flying through my divinely-assigned life lessons. Crying in the storms. Getting knocked down to get up to get knocked down to get up to get knocked down to get back up AGAIN. And then there’s those deserts (complete w/balls of dust rolling by) where I did absolutely NOTHING towards achieving my dreams. Was too busy laying in the lap of the lower self. Too busy catering to flesh. Too busy disobeying God. Too busy being selfish. Too busy dishonoring my life. Too busy wasting time.

Ahh and there’s the rub. Believing that it’s too late for me. Believing that I’ve played one too many games w/time and ran out of it. Believing that all of the above has detoured me from my path of destiny. I know. I know this isn’t really true. But still those beliefs linger somewhere deep in me. So I asked Christ to help me REALLY know it. Only He can fill me with the light of truth.

My Lord Jesus has sent me angels during my journey. People who have spoke into my life pearls & flowers & cinnamon & sunshine. They’ve believed in me. God, I thank you. Still they come. Still, I will accept.

But I must believe. I-Jaz must believe. Increase my faith Abba Father. I thank You b/c I know You are already doing it. This blog is catharsis and purging and cleaning out and making way for wings.
God wants me to know that I am ON TIME. He revealed this to me through confirmation from a fellow brother in Christ almost a year ago. Yet, still I’m here doubting again. It’s okay Lord, I’m special. You’re special daughter who You are fiercely dedicated to making over and sanctifying through the precious blood of Jesus Christ.

Thank you God that YOU are the author and finisher of my life. You are my designer. You are my architect. You make me over and over and over. And I WILL believe. I will rise. I am on time. I am where You have called me to be. Where there’s disorder, bring order Lord. Where’s there’s lack, bring sustenance Lord. Where’s there’s dark, bring light. I will join David and encourage myself in the Lord.

Listen folks, I will share my heart. I will not act like I have it all together and got some super-confidence going on. I’m not that one. I gots to be real. I know it’s not just me going through this. I’m going through this for others. I’m growing through this for others.

TO GOD BE ALL OF THE GLORY, HONOR, THANKSGIVINGS, WORSHIP AND PRAISE!!!

Make us over, in the name of Jesus the Christ. Amen

God,
I thank You for every poetry book I put out
I thank You for every cd I record
I thank You for every country, city, state I tour
I thank You for every play I act in
I thank You for every musical I dance in
I thank You for every song I write
I also thank You for every modeling assignment
For every oasis & ghetto in the world my heart & soul touches down upon
For every exquisite picture my photographer’s lens will capture
For every dance I will choreograph
I thank You for every artist I collaborate with

I thank You NOW b/c it’s already done in the spirit!

HALLELUJAH!

Most of all, thank You that I BELONG TO YOU, LORD. Oh how very blessed I already am.

I recommend dreaming

once again today I was dreaming...I almost bought a butterfly shirt w/the word "dreamer" on it(on sale for $4 @Burlington!)...I watched the Grammy's and I dreamed..as I always do..that one day I'll grace that stage. I recommend dreaming...please do. But now Christ has brought me to the knowledge that work comes w/it.

back to dreaming. I dreamed about collaborations w/Alycia Keys & sharing the stage w/Israel Haughton & BeBe Winans & The legendary Clark Sisters for that matter!!! Alycia sang her heart out onto that stage! She performs with her whole entire being! dang...imagine it being for the Lord!

It struck me how the organizers manage to "squeeze" Jesus in...I was so very proud of my brothers and sisters in Christ up there in front of a Grammy audience lifting up the name of the Lord!! The world makes fun of us....think we always singing and dancing and shouting and praising and choir-robeing it...probably calling us "Holy rollers"..and that's okay...cause all I kept hearing in my spirit is "Every knee shall bow and EVERY tongue shall confess that Jesus Christ is Lord"....one day my Lord...one day You shall crack the sky and reign until ALL enemies are under Your feet! And we-Your people-are gonna reign with You!!! I was quietly praying in my spirit that as they sang praises, that folk would get saved right there in their seats, backstage, in the sound room, in the green room, in the makeup room, in the bathroom! to the glory of God!

While I was thinking about this, it struck me how I many times "squeeze" Jesus in. Giving other things my full time and attention and leaving leftovers for my Lord. I continue to pray for radical obedience and passionate love for my Saviour and that I would not be afraid to allow Christ to be Lord over ALL parts of my life.

Today in church the question was "Is Christ being formed in you"? I also heard the pastor say "when I see a storm cloud coming, I'm gonna praise Him!" Oh Father God, please bring me to that place, cause I am not there yet. To Your glory, I must learn how to see the beauty in every raincloud and praise You for choosing me to display Your wounds...to display Your passion...to display Your life. Your life. Your life. YOUR LIFE.

May Your dreams for me come to fruition, in the name of Jesus the Christ. amen

the sun and rain of it all

SUN:
Today was my first day back at bible college and God blessed me to be able to turn in my 3 papers completed and on time!

RAIN:
My first entry ever into the International Songwriting Competition was turned down. I cried. I wondered what made all the winners songs so much better than mines?

What God wants me to know is that He is the Architect of my life. He is the Lord of my sun and my rain. Only He knows and sees the full picture. Only God knows why my songs weren't chosen. I thank God that I can receive power and courage from Him to go forth and enter into the competition again and again and again. Divine strength and determination to never stop reaching for those dizzying heights and never stop going after my dreams. I will not go "quietly into the night". The enemy means to discourage me and stop me in my tracks. NO! I am victorious in Jesus Christ son of the Living God! He knows my path. He guides my steps. He orders my life.

I WILL GO FORTH IN JESUS' NAME. I WILL FLY!

The gem of family-God's heart

Good morning world!
peace and blessings to u :-)

Yesterday evening I spent some precious time w/my family and just experienced some deep appreciation and thankfulness for that level of fellowship. My good friend, who had joined us as well, reminded us all to not take times like that for granted. But to see it for the "gem" that is really is. For alot of families are drenched in strife and when they come together, it's an all out war. Of course, in the spiritual realm, it's the enemy destroying relationship...family..what he knows hurts God's heart. But even in that, God I thank you that you are able and do restore and bring total wholeness to families. You my Lord are a restorer!! And your precious Holy Spirit brings the spirit of reconciliation...Hallelujah! I've seen it in my own family. We are NOT perfect and have our times of battle...but like my Grandmom said "We don't have alot of money, but we're rich in love". And I thank you for that Lord!!!

This all brings me to the mothers who never arrived home yesterday evening in Chicago, Il. They went out to go shopping in Lane Bryant and then a murderous spirit took their lives through gunshots. More families shattered. More relational destruction...God have mercy!

Have mercy Lord Jesus, oh thou who are rich in mercy on those families who are devastated tonight. Please bring together a strong and divinely wise support system for the families and uphold them with thy willing spirit. Hold the most innocents hearts-the children's-in your bosom. Cover these families and the friends affected by this in the blood of the Lamb. Cover their minds and their hearts. I pray that your power keep them from shattering into a million pieces God. Give the adults the words to say to the children. Hold them and allow your angels to minister deeply to every feeling, every person...in the name of Jesus. Confuse and stop the murderer in his tracks and bring sight, conviction and repentence...true repentence Lord Jesus. Let him not take another life (including his own). Let him have no peace, until he turns himself in. Trouble his spirit and place a thorn everywhere he steps. Break the hardened and cold heart by the power of your Name Jesus and in all this, bring glory to yourself. However you wanna do it Lord...bring salvation to all families affected(including the murderer's family). Empower them to grieve and bring total healing, forgiveness and freedom from rage and bitterness in your perfect and appointed time Lord Jesus. Please keep them in people's thoughts and prayers every day. Even though we don't understand, I thank you that you are in control. Make it all beautiful-in your time Lord and by the power of the name of Jesus the Christ, be ye lifted up above the heavens and the earth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!amen