I will share my heart...

Over the past few days, my head and heart are still suspended in the clouds and upper horizons. I hear myself say things like “I just don’t believe this” and “this is unbelievable”

I’m referring to my recent win of 2nd place in a worldwide poetry contest

me?

me Lord?

Yes, YOU daughter

My friend heard me say the “unbelievable” statement over the phone and she stopped and said “yes it IS believable” “why are you saying it’s not?”

‘Cause I’m sooo used to this. I’m so used to dreaming and wishing, aching, wanting & praying (which I haven’t always done) for fruition, but there always being a deeper part of me not believing my dreams can actually come true. I mean most folk know & have heard me say for years that I want to record & put out a poetry book & act on Broadway & dance and travel the world. That’s just it. I’ve said it over and over and over and over and over for y-e-a-r-s. Sometimes folk think you’re just talking. Sometimes you begin to think you’re just talking. There’s that “dreamer” Jaz again. And b/c of all the bumps, scars, scrapes, gashes, bruises in my long journey, I have come to expect on some level that those deep, wild, bold, rich & full of life dreams that only God sees will go on…deferred. Now of course, the devil works on that…expounds & introduces more lies…and I eat them…at times.

Some of my dreams have seen the light of day. It comes in drips & drabs and in between those long stretches of time in which I’m fighting. Fighting to believe in me. Crawling, walking, flying through my divinely-assigned life lessons. Crying in the storms. Getting knocked down to get up to get knocked down to get up to get knocked down to get back up AGAIN. And then there’s those deserts (complete w/balls of dust rolling by) where I did absolutely NOTHING towards achieving my dreams. Was too busy laying in the lap of the lower self. Too busy catering to flesh. Too busy disobeying God. Too busy being selfish. Too busy dishonoring my life. Too busy wasting time.

Ahh and there’s the rub. Believing that it’s too late for me. Believing that I’ve played one too many games w/time and ran out of it. Believing that all of the above has detoured me from my path of destiny. I know. I know this isn’t really true. But still those beliefs linger somewhere deep in me. So I asked Christ to help me REALLY know it. Only He can fill me with the light of truth.

My Lord Jesus has sent me angels during my journey. People who have spoke into my life pearls & flowers & cinnamon & sunshine. They’ve believed in me. God, I thank you. Still they come. Still, I will accept.

But I must believe. I-Jaz must believe. Increase my faith Abba Father. I thank You b/c I know You are already doing it. This blog is catharsis and purging and cleaning out and making way for wings.
God wants me to know that I am ON TIME. He revealed this to me through confirmation from a fellow brother in Christ almost a year ago. Yet, still I’m here doubting again. It’s okay Lord, I’m special. You’re special daughter who You are fiercely dedicated to making over and sanctifying through the precious blood of Jesus Christ.

Thank you God that YOU are the author and finisher of my life. You are my designer. You are my architect. You make me over and over and over. And I WILL believe. I will rise. I am on time. I am where You have called me to be. Where there’s disorder, bring order Lord. Where’s there’s lack, bring sustenance Lord. Where’s there’s dark, bring light. I will join David and encourage myself in the Lord.

Listen folks, I will share my heart. I will not act like I have it all together and got some super-confidence going on. I’m not that one. I gots to be real. I know it’s not just me going through this. I’m going through this for others. I’m growing through this for others.

TO GOD BE ALL OF THE GLORY, HONOR, THANKSGIVINGS, WORSHIP AND PRAISE!!!

Make us over, in the name of Jesus the Christ. Amen

God,
I thank You for every poetry book I put out
I thank You for every cd I record
I thank You for every country, city, state I tour
I thank You for every play I act in
I thank You for every musical I dance in
I thank You for every song I write
I also thank You for every modeling assignment
For every oasis & ghetto in the world my heart & soul touches down upon
For every exquisite picture my photographer’s lens will capture
For every dance I will choreograph
I thank You for every artist I collaborate with

I thank You NOW b/c it’s already done in the spirit!

HALLELUJAH!

Most of all, thank You that I BELONG TO YOU, LORD. Oh how very blessed I already am.