that long journey up to the mic & afterwards

Last night, I struggled with what God told me to bring to the mic. It wasn't a poem, but it was kind of a journal entry and I'm like "God, no one wants to hear about this". "No one wants to talk about temptation and sin". It's uncomfortable.

As I was putting some damage on my plate(early thanksgiving platter!), I knew I had to sign that open mic list then or I wasn't gonna do it. I could easily talk myself out of it. And then I was like 3rd on the list and in my mind, I'm picturing me closing the show with what God had me to say to get the biggest effect & do the big dramatic finish...let's say it together now, "F-L-E-S-H!". Cause that's what that wish was wrapped up in. Not God's glory. So, alot of flesh had to die in me last night. I was a little happy that I was early to go on so my nerves wouldn't have a chance to build up.
Mostly before I read or sing, I listen for what God wants me to say, if anything, before I begin. He told me to share just what I'd said to him earlier "Who wants to hear and talk about sin & temptation?" "It's uncomfortable, right?" Everyone could agree w/that. It eased my tension a little bit. As I think back now, I really believe God just wanted me to share and talk to the people. Not "perform". And when I would get caught up in myself, I felt Him gently bring me in and whisper "just talk to them daughter". Now no one knew all that was going on up there(unless God revealed it to someone), but I sure knew. I really felt Him help me to connect and not just stand up there and say words or focus on whether or not I was getting a reaction. I praise Him for that!
But when I walked back to my chair, I felt alone and defensive. You could cut the quiet with a butter knife. I kinda wanted to slink underneath the table. But what God is showing me to do is just to praise Him for giving me the courage to do His will and LET IT GO. To not beat up on or second-guess myself. I must realize, those words are the words that Christ wanted to say to His people. He just used me as a His mouthpiece. And alot of things Christ says, cuts. He is the Word. And we know that Word is sharper than a two-edged sword. Shux, plenty of times His Word has sliced me through & through. But that's really God's love for us, so we can continue in transformation and conformation to His Holy character.
Sometimes I can see my wounds & neediness and I know I needed someone to come up to me and confirm that I was on point and that my words were accepted. But there's a couple of things wrong with that. The words were Christ's, not mines and It didn't really need to be confirmed b/c I already knew in my spirit what I had to do. At times God will intentionally withhold & not allow anyone to come up to me and say anything, b/c I've got to stand secure & complete in Him....that insecurity must go. And also for me not glory in myself. B/c if you're not careful, adulations and applause can bring a big head & oversized ego. It must be submitted to Christ, cause we can't do anything in our power. God has made me a meek individual in my nature & I thank Him for that. But I also know flesh is flesh and it always will want to exhault itself. Always.
This is a journey and I can see how far, over my years of ministering, that He has bought me. But yall know, there's always higher levels to go.

In the end, two of my brothers-in-Christ did say some positive stuff to me. I smiled and I smiled inside. Of course, one wants to be appreciated. But I didn't hang onto it for dear life or for affirmation, cause Jesus had done His work in me. Thank You Father!


as always,
the sun and the rain of it all

love ya