Rain

Now, here I sit feeling like some kind of fraudulent hypocrite cause I know I haven't been fellowshipping with my Lord ever since I got some other news today.
I gotta job yall. Or, let me correct that...the LORD got me a job. Now, ordinarily one who's been out of work, would be delighted & over the moon w/that bit of information. But-not-I.
If you've been following/reading my blogs or if u know me, you know by now that my previous employment traumatized me. This is not a play on words or dramatic by any stretch of the imagination. My family & friends knows how I suffered & was wounded deeply. Of course, Christ in His mercy, grace & kindness has since shown me every reason why I had to suffer the way I did. And honestly, I am grateful for that. He does not always do that with His children. Oft, we twist & turn in the windstorms, then we're plucked out; without so much as a explanation from God as to why it all happened. And we must choose to trust that God's higher purposes prevailed and we were transformed a little bit more into His glorious & humble image.

But I digress, still feeling like a fraud b/c honestly I don't feel chipper, happy nor too pleased w/my Lord right now. I don't understand why I've been asked to go back into a windstorm I was delivered from, when my wounds are still raw & I KNOW I'm still not healed. My mama has been reminding me in the past few weeks to remember to pray for myself, that God would heal, restore & make me whole. Most times I forget to pray for myself. There's so many other things & other people to pray for. But I now believe God was using her to remind me to pray for me cause He knew what was coming...another round in the fire.
Now I know my enemy & that he is delightfully magnifying my fears & putting a huger spin on this than there really is. Not that it's not huge..but I know him lying to God's children & maximizing a speck of dust is his specialty. That's why I asked God today to help me not believe his lies and MY own lies. Because of the imprint of trauma still lurking near in my subconscious, I might possibly be magnifying things as well.

God, have mercy on me.

Do you know that I cried after the interview? Not tears of joy. But just the mere thought of going back into all of that, brought me to heavy sobs in my soul. And this is what God saw & He knew that I was not gonna be pleased about the "good" news. He knows me better than I do myself. Yet, this is still happening.
I know, I know, I know that I am being called to a higher level of trust. I know all of that. It doesn't make me feel any better. I have learned to entrust all of my feelings, emotions & wherever I'm at emotionally, mentally, etc. to God. Only He can bring me to a level of acceptance. Only He can saturate me with the grace I'm gonna need. Only God can cause me to see this thing with His eyes. Only Jesus can give me peace about this and draw me to actually start praising Him for it, even with all of my not understanding.

And so I wait. And pray a little. And wait. Tussle back & forth with God & wait some more. Close my ears & refuse to listen & wait again. Break down & cry and fall into His arms. And wait. For Him work in and work on me...His eternal workmanship. And He'll do it...He always does.

"Thank you God. I praise You for accepting me right where I'm at"