doesn't school have recess??

ahh basic training. the pain, the illusion of isolation, the injuries to body mind & heart, the fighting that must continue even though injured, the questions, the up & mostly down, the weariness, the anger, the helplessness & utter hopelessness, the faith-no-more.

This is what I've been in now for almost 2 years. At my job, in the spiritual world. B-A-T-T-L-E. All the above describes what I've felt and how I've felt & how I might still feel. It's been a rollercoaster, it's been maddeningly frustrating. There's been moments of sweet victory, when I was allowed to breathe and exhale and take a step back from the wreckage and learn the lessons of what I'd just went through. And then, right back in.

There's been many different levels. Different levels of hurt, different levels of depression, different levels of trust. Trusting in God at highter levels. Taking minute baby steps, then being knocked back 20 steps, questioning my sanity, questioning my God. I've experienced some serious anger at Him this year. The fires have intensified as God is touching areas of my life that were unsurrended & out of balance. He's really just calling me to die to self and live for and through Him..that's what it's all about. All this pain.

If I wrote about everything's that's been going on, It would take up many pages. So I'll just go over some things. It's been getting down to the wire with my production on my job. I have to produce a certain amount of claims..my daily quota..in order to fulfill the requirements of the job. The problem is the type of clams that mainly come across my desk have complicating factors that make it very very hard to reach that given quota. I don't take shortcuts to get it done and I'm a very detailed person/worker. Sometimes it can work against me, especially in the numbers-oriented insurance world. But I take pride in the way I do my work and how I take special care. I've had to adjust & not be so repetitive and trust my instincts, but it's still extremely hard. We get evaluated every month and if those numbers aren't up there where they should be, one could very well get canned for it. on the real. So again, my time is down to the wire & it's not looking good. It's alot of stress & pressure on my shoulders, as I worry 'bout whether I can pay my bills & if I'll have a roof over my head.

On top of that there's still the many battles w/the women on the job, which I've explained about many times(go back in my blog history). It just has intensified & can be unbearable. I just wanna be done with it. wanna be done w/this particular class..I mean isn't there recess and lunch and summer breaks and eventually graduation with school??? That's what I'm in-school. but it's basic-training school. I can't believe it's lasted this long. That I've lasted this long. That God has kept me so many times when I thought I'd lose my mind.

What I like , what I can see b/c Jesus has opened my eyes, is that I've gotten much stronger. This adversity has lengthened and strengthened my backbone. The backbone that I never thought I had. I fight now...I don't give up. I don't throw in the towel just b/c it gets hard. This is a far cry from how I used to be. I marvel and I'm grateful. Yet and still I ask my Daddy, does it have to be this hard Lord? Does it have to hurt this much? Lord you could've stopped the pain..you could've lifted this..but you didn't! It's like you're sitting up there, watching me down here twisting in the wind. do you care Lord? My faith's been shakin and I've asked so many questions.. My Lord is patient w/me..He's kind, merciful & great & He's a parent. He has chastised me. He has corrected me. He has loved me-the best and the most.

Just this past week was another miracle, that I was given a chance to go temp work for another department in the company. The department is beautiful w/peaceful people and much easier work. It was like I had stepped into freedom from jail. Of course, immediately when I got there, the enemy already had his co-horts there and they tried me. But in the end, I prevailed b/c I submitted to the Holy Spirit and I did things in the spirit.

God just wants His children to trust Him...no matter what. We need His character, His nature, His eyes to see and live out our lives through Him. That's why our Lord is a consuming fire, He has to do so much in us that it takes that fire to burn out our dross, so the gold can come forth. God help!

But I'm here and I'm in the best care and I will make it in the name of Jesus Christ son of the Living God!