i'm tired

**This is me, writing about my issues. Please my precious family, don't misunderstand and take offense. If you've been following my blogs or if u know me, then you know my heart and you also know I must be real with it..even if that means exposing my mess. aiight? I love u all & will continue to celebrate your roses! :-). Let's proceed:


So, everyone's coming out with their cd's. It's an amazing thing to behold; seeing Christ bring dreams He planted in His children, to fruition. And to be honest,I've been experiencing some insecurities yall.
I'm so very happy for my sista's and brotha's in Christ but I'm just plain ole' sad for me. Been having one big ole' pity party!! My Lord knows how I've been feeling about this. 'Bout how I thought my project would be finished or at least halfway done by now . How I thought a "teaser" or demo would've been dropped by now. How I'm up to my ears in support and purchase of my fellow artists cds. And how I truly want to support them(God you know my heart), but lately it's just been mirroring where I'm not and want to be. Yes folks-these are my issues & no one else's. How I hear those negative and damaging thoughts slowly creeping into my head like: "this is never going to happen". How I MUST fight that lie with the truth. How THAT is a struggle.
It's like that swimmer, swimming the last laps and just too winded and tired to pull her head above water to make it to victory or the finish line or whichever one comes first. And so....what? she drowns?! NO! That can't be an option for me.
Yet, I'm still winded and so tired. And honestly, I haven't even begun to fight. Coming from wounds of procrastination and underdeveloped backbones..I KNOW God is teaching me to fight and how to. Not in any violent way. I'm not meaning it like that. God has just taught me that I CAN take some things. And that I won't "fall all to pieces" or "lose my mind". Thoughts that used to quietly & destructively scar my existence. He's shown me I CAN make it. And this might be a simple & non-important revelation to most..But it took me a lifetime to get there. For Christ to deliver me from this mindset and to actually change my nature. THAT IS HUGE. That is a miracle. I am that miracle.
And yet, still the struggle. Well..obviously..or this blog wouldn't be called "the sun and rain of it all". right?
The last time we spoke, I said I had alot to tell about what the Lord's been doing in my life and inside of me. He has revealed to me some reasons for some of my suffering. The waiting. yeah..He's developing me and it's not my time to shine yet. Okay, I get that. And I was so grateful and full of praise when He revealed that to me. It was like some fog of the why's had been lifted. But now, it's making me sad and a little sour. Why does my flower have to take SO long to blossom and bloom? Why are so many others springing up right in front of my eyes, all around me, everywhere?? What the heck am I doing wrong?
But the real question should be..just when did I stop trusting God? Didn't He say to me in His word that He would "perfect everything that concerns me"? Shouldn't I know by now that measuring my life up against anybody's and comparing is so toxic and unfruitful?? Don't I know that my brotha's and sista's roses haven't just sprung up..that there's been many a tear and many painful days, many sacrifices, many years?? Haven't I been down this road many a time before? What have I learned? Aren't I'm just like an Israelite?!!...complaining after miracles.
Oh God, Help me to trust you in these very hard places. I'm so glad I can pour all of this out and place it in Your bosom Lord. I'm happy You understand your child. Forgive me for doubt and for worrying. This insecurity is not honoring you at all. You flat out told me in Your Word "Do not worry". Help me in my state of clay, to not worry. "Be not anxious for anything". Help me oh Lord to please You. Grant me faith. Help my unbelief. Heal my mind of toxic lies and let me fill my spirit with the life-giving and life-changing Word of God...every day. Strengthen me to keep on going. Direct my pathways. Direct my thoughts. Help me to be most concerned with obeying You...especially with the things You already told me to do, that I'm currently not doing. Wash me. Cleanse me. Make me to hear joy and gladness. Help me to do what honors YOU the most. I praise You for my life and that I can have the abundant life only IN YOU. Continue to shephard your sheep. your little lost sheep. She can only be found IN YOU. I love you Jesus. It's in your name, I ask all of these things. amen.
signed,
sun and rain of it all