Muted colors

Good evening world-

I'm confused alot right now. I'm left wondering just how long does the "closing rounds" of a fight last?? Because of the enormous stress levels I'm under, there's been some recent breathing challenges. Why do I stay in things until they traumatize me?? I still need much more faith and to stop leaning unto my own understanding. Will you pray with me? pray for me? I really really need it.
I hate not being able to see. Hate not seeing the road ahead. I really dislike being thrown off cliffs and grinded into dust. I'm feeling such a deep personal weakness that I feel my life is not counting for anything right now. Of course that's just a feeling..It's a lie. Jesus lives inside me..so my life MUST count.
Yet I struggle to find the words to write this blog, that give justice to what I've been going through. It's been such a long fight. SO LONG. Sometimes I don't know whether I'm coming or going & I wonder who'll I'll be when it's all over(until the next lesson).
When quick smiles or glimmers of hope come, I relish them(yet w/an unfamiliar & uncharacteristic muted level of excitement)for I know they'll quickly fade. It's just the suffering is taking the color out of everything.
I can be real..can't I? Cause that's all I'm being yall. I never ever been at this level before. May God have mercy on my soul. I pray that no matter what happens to me, He gets His glory(unfortunately this is even spliced with a bit of sarcasm..sorry Lord)
God help me.

signed-
the rain of it all??


p.s. I still love you Jesus.